this is kind of deserted. if the internet could do this my blog would totally have been taken over by nature by now.

i enjoy the fact that i don't talk to this thing anymore. it wasn't healthy at all, i just called people out and acted like they gave a fuck about what i wrote about them. it's all fucking petty bullshit that i never want to return to.

my life is so fucking different, it changed so fucking much and i'm so happy to be where i am right now. i thank whoever to be alive and well right now getting kisses and getting fucked damn near every day. it's fucking amazing and i couldn't ask for anything more.

this is who i am and this is my life and this is what's going to shape me.

this thing is beyond old and stuck in high school.

so is my life.

My journal is lacking the words I can't get out of my head onto the paper.


Answer: Burn it.

I really like this feeling. I can't really explain what it is but it feels like a tickle in my stomach. It actually sometimes really hurts 'cause it feels so good. Whatever it is though, I never want it to go away.

Stuck

I'm stuck in the mud all by myself with nobody to help me out

because I don't want to be stuck with the same people and the same problems.

Can somebody ELSE OTHER THAN YOU help me out? I want to see and talk to new people.

I'm sick of the every day routine of being in a slump because of the way we act around each other. College is only 2 months away and we need to change. Why don't you get stuck in the mud and have someone else get you out? I know you want another hand to touch you and so do I so why don't you just do it? You can't feel anyone but me and it's pathetic. I'm not always going to be there to say "it's okay" or "there, there" I'm not gonna be there and neither are you.

So cut the ties and the strings that we're hanging by, leave me in the mud

and call someone else to come and get me, because I'm not putting my hand out anymore.

Believe me when I say, I still love you.

you have stars in your eyes

that follow me when i walk

down the hall

when i open my locker

you follow me into

this twisting winding tunnel

of sorrow.

the tunnel is filled with lies and

tears and all the changes that happened

over the years, and everything that

we said we've ever wanted

except floating cars and the ghosts

that haunted,

with people that talk to you every day

the ones that talk in circles to trick you

so you don't know what to say.

sometimes when we're here i can't believe

we're even alive in here, floating like we don't care

the tunnel contracting every which way

the locker is shut, it's locked, we're here to stay.

You're

pathetic

chasing

a girl

who doesn't

want

you.

I'll

throw my head

back

and laugh hysterically

while chewing gum

when I'm done

I'm gonna spit in your face.

I saw a shooting star last night
my only wish was
that you would all kindly
burn in fucking hell.

i haven't done this in a while, the only time i've done this recently is write that stupid fucking poem that i just wrote that i hope people will read even though i know they won't because the people that used to read this blog doesn't care about what i write anymore. we've all grown up and we're done living on blogger but i'm still gripping onto this thing because it basically reflects my entire high school life for all 4 years. 9th grade when i had brown hair and was friends with carla and derrick and jj and emily and we all had the time of our lives. i listened to the stupidest music and bonded with the people that would be with me for the rest of my high school career even if i don't want some of them to be there, they are and we will always have a history together and not even the biggest eraser in the world can erase that. in 10th grade i remember sitting in the tech room without anybody in my class and i heard the bathroom noise and looked around for jj and derrick and they weren't there and i got all teary eyed. 10th grade is when jon showed his face to city high and we awkwardly fell asleep to hot zone on the table every single day in research class. then there's 11th grade where it gets blurry. i'm not sure who i was, i lost pretty much all my friends except for derrick and it hurts me to say that to be honest. i want the people i lost in my life more, but i can't do anything about it, i'm not going to persuade them to be my friend again, it's just how the cookie crumbles. now it's 12th grade and i'm so confused. i have classes with all of my friends and some of them in my class ignore i even exist. i know i shouldn't really care, but i do and you're not gonna tell me that i don't because i do dammit. i'm not that 9th grade kayla anymore, i've evolved and i'm going to admit one day i'm going to be a grown woman and stomp on all of you with my combat boots an say, "i told you so."
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i honestly don't know why i'm writing this, like i said before nobody is going to read this. i'm in the middle of english class not giving a shit about my work because senioritis has taken it's toll on me since the beginning of the year. i guess 12th grade is okay because it's me derrick, mat and jon basically and i like our group. it's simple, it's suttle and i'm glad to be a part of it. i like smoking with mat it's one of my favorite things because we just chill and that's what i like to do since my life is slowly spiraling out of control.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
i wonder if i showed you this or told you that i blogged that you would care. you haven't cared in 3 or so years. i read your old blogs and they made me laugh in the middle of class. we were 15 together. do you remember that?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
i just want to be done with everything. drop it and just go. just move on with my life and forget all of you. wouldn't that be nice...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
i'm going to make it to australia whether you like it or not. that's something that hasn't changed.

The end

My shoes are gripping the sidewalk
like they don't want me to jump
up into the sky
and fly off to
leave the nest I call my home
leave my mother behind with sticks and spit
with my wings
I will fly into thin air
where my life of sadness
awaits me.

It's kind of a funny story how at one point, my life was everything and more I wanted it to be. It's also kind of funny how I can't have anything going right for me, just for one fucking day, without fucking it up. It's even more hilarious how I'm being blamed for anything and everything anymore. I'm not innocent, no, by any means necessary you're not either. I hope you realize that, and I hope you get better some day I really do, I just think you needed this. You needed this to nudge you on the shoulder one last time and smile it's gritty teeth in your face for the last time. I think I needed this, too, I needed to see that I don't know what I have until it's gone, and I finally realized that. I should have realized that umpteen years ago but I'm too blind and too stupid to realize anything anymore without someone flaunting something I know I can't have in my face. It's really tickling all of this, really it is. It tickles me to know that you care so much. You probably still care as I'm typing this, but I don't care, that's the thing. I could give two fucking shits about you. It's all tying together for me. You can't let anyone have what they want, it all has to be yours. Yours or nothing. I hate to be the one to tell you that you're not going to always get what you want, I hope one of the monsters under your bed or one of the demons following you around in your mind reminds you of what you have done, because I know mine will, and I'm not cool with getting the shitty end of the stick. At the end of the day I realize that I'm not the best person in the world and I'm not fucking perfect, you need realize that a bunch of people need to realize that. We're all human in the end, we all like attention, we all like to feel special in one way or another and we all like having people that like us. It's just how it fucking works. At least I can admit that I am human, you however, think you're fucking Jesus Christ. You're not, and never will be. Don't worry, you'll get what's coming to you, karma is one helluva bitch and she's just waiting for the right time and place to put you where you belong.

Thinking

I don't know what to do
I'm wondering around in the dark
I'm lost
I'm confused
I'm scared of the future
I love the people in it
I'm a chicken with it's head cut off
I'm running in circles, aimlessly through the fog
I can't see you
I can't see anyone
Where am I?
Who do I talk to you?
Who will whisper my name next?
Who's lips will touch mine?
Who's hands will caress me?

Give me an answer, I want to know.

Can I kill you both now, please?
S
T
O
P
WITH
THE
CREEPY
BULLSHIT.

GAGVOMITPUKE.

AFJSODIFHWEF21!

I just saw a video with you laughing
and talking
and being alive
and cussing
and calling people dick's
and having a good time.
I don't understand how I'm living like this
or any of us are really.
I just want a fucking hug
from BOTH of you.
I want to smell you again,
I want your scent all over me.
I want you to teach me how to draw
and I want YOU to watch me graduate and get married.

WHY THE FUCK DO THE NICE ONES GO FIRST
FUCKING WHY
TELL ME FUCKING WHY
FUCK YOU DEATH
I FUCKING HATE YOU
YOU TOOK AWAY EVERYTHING I EVER LOVED.

I'm
so
torn.
Tape
me
back
together.

Well this is an odd feeling.

For once in my life, right in this moment I'm starting to feel okay with myself. I'm starting to feel like I have people in my life I can count on and not just to pass in the hallway and say "hi" to. I feel like even though my hair isn't turning out the way I want it to for tomorrow that I'm okay with that because nobody is perfect and we're all just striving to be something that we're not. We're all not meant to change. We're all meant to be comfortable in our own skin forever because that's who we were born to be. I was born to be an artist and maybe a writer and maybe a bullshitter, the world may never know, and they may never accept.

However, I fucking accept the fact that I'm finally comfortable with who I am. And I know a couple of people who should do the same.

Hell, the whole world should do the same because we all have insecurities, we just need to find a big enough eraser to make them disappear.

Your love makes me want to fucking puke.
Love has never disgusted me so much.
Get the fuck out.

I really hate the fact that there are other people in the world who are inconsiderate and nice all at the same time.
It makes it so hard for me to be mad at someone when circumstances are like that.
It's really annoying that I have nobody to connect with anymore. I don't have anyone understanding fully what is going in my brain. I thought it was you, but it wasn't. I thought it was you, too, but it wasn't either. I was sadly mistaken. I was mistaken quite a few times in my life that still haunt me.
There's only almost 3 more months to go until I have to face adulthood. I'm going to college and I'm going to be away from this place that I've been coming back to for that past 4 years. I'm always going to have a place I don't want to go back to for a prolonged amount of time. Why don't I just tell everybody that I'm not fucking Super Friend. I can't always be accepting of what goes on with you and you. I'm not the fucking mender of relationships, I can't make everything okay for everybody. It's not all going to be fucking sunshine and daisies.

SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP !

I want you to suffer.

i feel connected to you in a weird sort of way that i can't really explain right now because well it's 7:20 in the morning and i have no school but i'm thinking so much right now and i thought so much last night that it was nearly impossible for me to get to sleep. i woke up and ate cocoa krispies and pondered for about 25 minutes about how it feels like you and me are in the womb together just floating in our own waste and eating away at our food packs. it feels like we both know what to do when the other one is sad and all we have to do is just listen to each other and have a cigarette and we'll both be happy, i think.

i hate the way she thinks. she's so empty minded it's ridiculous. she doesn't know what she's doing half the time and thinks she's funny. she laughs at things that not even my little cousin would even giggle at. it's really annoying and i hope one day she sees the real things in life because right now she definitely doesn't and in my opinion she's just making a complete ugly beast out of herself and i don't like beasts. i don't mind ugly.

i have a wretched stomach ache and i don't know what to do because it's so early and i can hear yelling upstairs and it's her and him just going at it not giving a shit that i live in the basement and i can hear every word they're saying and half of the argument is about me and getting rides and how my mom still has to go to work, but i don't care, because this is my first snow day of the year and i'm gonna fucking sleep dammit because i didn't sleep last night and you're not gonna tell me what to do this early in the fucking morning.

i don't know what i'm going to say to you when we take a walk. i don't understand how it came to be like this, but i know damn well that it was for a good reason and like you said, we shouldn't try this for the 5th or so time and i do agree, we shouldn't. maybe we can just be acquaintances who maybe go on occasional walks and share cigarettes with each other and talk amongst ourselves like nothing ever happened. i don't think we should become as close as we were again because that happened last time and it ended in the same old thing. so maybe we could just be occasional pals.

i like the idea of having an occasional pal. it would make my life sort of exciting.

the most exciting thing that's going to happen today is my burps tasting like chocolate and possibly going sled riding.