The end

My shoes are gripping the sidewalk
like they don't want me to jump
up into the sky
and fly off to
leave the nest I call my home
leave my mother behind with sticks and spit
with my wings
I will fly into thin air
where my life of sadness
awaits me.

It's kind of a funny story how at one point, my life was everything and more I wanted it to be. It's also kind of funny how I can't have anything going right for me, just for one fucking day, without fucking it up. It's even more hilarious how I'm being blamed for anything and everything anymore. I'm not innocent, no, by any means necessary you're not either. I hope you realize that, and I hope you get better some day I really do, I just think you needed this. You needed this to nudge you on the shoulder one last time and smile it's gritty teeth in your face for the last time. I think I needed this, too, I needed to see that I don't know what I have until it's gone, and I finally realized that. I should have realized that umpteen years ago but I'm too blind and too stupid to realize anything anymore without someone flaunting something I know I can't have in my face. It's really tickling all of this, really it is. It tickles me to know that you care so much. You probably still care as I'm typing this, but I don't care, that's the thing. I could give two fucking shits about you. It's all tying together for me. You can't let anyone have what they want, it all has to be yours. Yours or nothing. I hate to be the one to tell you that you're not going to always get what you want, I hope one of the monsters under your bed or one of the demons following you around in your mind reminds you of what you have done, because I know mine will, and I'm not cool with getting the shitty end of the stick. At the end of the day I realize that I'm not the best person in the world and I'm not fucking perfect, you need realize that a bunch of people need to realize that. We're all human in the end, we all like attention, we all like to feel special in one way or another and we all like having people that like us. It's just how it fucking works. At least I can admit that I am human, you however, think you're fucking Jesus Christ. You're not, and never will be. Don't worry, you'll get what's coming to you, karma is one helluva bitch and she's just waiting for the right time and place to put you where you belong.

Thinking

I don't know what to do
I'm wondering around in the dark
I'm lost
I'm confused
I'm scared of the future
I love the people in it
I'm a chicken with it's head cut off
I'm running in circles, aimlessly through the fog
I can't see you
I can't see anyone
Where am I?
Who do I talk to you?
Who will whisper my name next?
Who's lips will touch mine?
Who's hands will caress me?

Give me an answer, I want to know.

Can I kill you both now, please?
S
T
O
P
WITH
THE
CREEPY
BULLSHIT.

GAGVOMITPUKE.

AFJSODIFHWEF21!

I just saw a video with you laughing
and talking
and being alive
and cussing
and calling people dick's
and having a good time.
I don't understand how I'm living like this
or any of us are really.
I just want a fucking hug
from BOTH of you.
I want to smell you again,
I want your scent all over me.
I want you to teach me how to draw
and I want YOU to watch me graduate and get married.

WHY THE FUCK DO THE NICE ONES GO FIRST
FUCKING WHY
TELL ME FUCKING WHY
FUCK YOU DEATH
I FUCKING HATE YOU
YOU TOOK AWAY EVERYTHING I EVER LOVED.

I'm
so
torn.
Tape
me
back
together.

Well this is an odd feeling.

For once in my life, right in this moment I'm starting to feel okay with myself. I'm starting to feel like I have people in my life I can count on and not just to pass in the hallway and say "hi" to. I feel like even though my hair isn't turning out the way I want it to for tomorrow that I'm okay with that because nobody is perfect and we're all just striving to be something that we're not. We're all not meant to change. We're all meant to be comfortable in our own skin forever because that's who we were born to be. I was born to be an artist and maybe a writer and maybe a bullshitter, the world may never know, and they may never accept.

However, I fucking accept the fact that I'm finally comfortable with who I am. And I know a couple of people who should do the same.

Hell, the whole world should do the same because we all have insecurities, we just need to find a big enough eraser to make them disappear.