I saw a shooting star last night
my only wish was
that you would all kindly
burn in fucking hell.

i haven't done this in a while, the only time i've done this recently is write that stupid fucking poem that i just wrote that i hope people will read even though i know they won't because the people that used to read this blog doesn't care about what i write anymore. we've all grown up and we're done living on blogger but i'm still gripping onto this thing because it basically reflects my entire high school life for all 4 years. 9th grade when i had brown hair and was friends with carla and derrick and jj and emily and we all had the time of our lives. i listened to the stupidest music and bonded with the people that would be with me for the rest of my high school career even if i don't want some of them to be there, they are and we will always have a history together and not even the biggest eraser in the world can erase that. in 10th grade i remember sitting in the tech room without anybody in my class and i heard the bathroom noise and looked around for jj and derrick and they weren't there and i got all teary eyed. 10th grade is when jon showed his face to city high and we awkwardly fell asleep to hot zone on the table every single day in research class. then there's 11th grade where it gets blurry. i'm not sure who i was, i lost pretty much all my friends except for derrick and it hurts me to say that to be honest. i want the people i lost in my life more, but i can't do anything about it, i'm not going to persuade them to be my friend again, it's just how the cookie crumbles. now it's 12th grade and i'm so confused. i have classes with all of my friends and some of them in my class ignore i even exist. i know i shouldn't really care, but i do and you're not gonna tell me that i don't because i do dammit. i'm not that 9th grade kayla anymore, i've evolved and i'm going to admit one day i'm going to be a grown woman and stomp on all of you with my combat boots an say, "i told you so."
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i honestly don't know why i'm writing this, like i said before nobody is going to read this. i'm in the middle of english class not giving a shit about my work because senioritis has taken it's toll on me since the beginning of the year. i guess 12th grade is okay because it's me derrick, mat and jon basically and i like our group. it's simple, it's suttle and i'm glad to be a part of it. i like smoking with mat it's one of my favorite things because we just chill and that's what i like to do since my life is slowly spiraling out of control.
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i wonder if i showed you this or told you that i blogged that you would care. you haven't cared in 3 or so years. i read your old blogs and they made me laugh in the middle of class. we were 15 together. do you remember that?
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i just want to be done with everything. drop it and just go. just move on with my life and forget all of you. wouldn't that be nice...
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i'm going to make it to australia whether you like it or not. that's something that hasn't changed.

The end

My shoes are gripping the sidewalk
like they don't want me to jump
up into the sky
and fly off to
leave the nest I call my home
leave my mother behind with sticks and spit
with my wings
I will fly into thin air
where my life of sadness
awaits me.

It's kind of a funny story how at one point, my life was everything and more I wanted it to be. It's also kind of funny how I can't have anything going right for me, just for one fucking day, without fucking it up. It's even more hilarious how I'm being blamed for anything and everything anymore. I'm not innocent, no, by any means necessary you're not either. I hope you realize that, and I hope you get better some day I really do, I just think you needed this. You needed this to nudge you on the shoulder one last time and smile it's gritty teeth in your face for the last time. I think I needed this, too, I needed to see that I don't know what I have until it's gone, and I finally realized that. I should have realized that umpteen years ago but I'm too blind and too stupid to realize anything anymore without someone flaunting something I know I can't have in my face. It's really tickling all of this, really it is. It tickles me to know that you care so much. You probably still care as I'm typing this, but I don't care, that's the thing. I could give two fucking shits about you. It's all tying together for me. You can't let anyone have what they want, it all has to be yours. Yours or nothing. I hate to be the one to tell you that you're not going to always get what you want, I hope one of the monsters under your bed or one of the demons following you around in your mind reminds you of what you have done, because I know mine will, and I'm not cool with getting the shitty end of the stick. At the end of the day I realize that I'm not the best person in the world and I'm not fucking perfect, you need realize that a bunch of people need to realize that. We're all human in the end, we all like attention, we all like to feel special in one way or another and we all like having people that like us. It's just how it fucking works. At least I can admit that I am human, you however, think you're fucking Jesus Christ. You're not, and never will be. Don't worry, you'll get what's coming to you, karma is one helluva bitch and she's just waiting for the right time and place to put you where you belong.

Thinking

I don't know what to do
I'm wondering around in the dark
I'm lost
I'm confused
I'm scared of the future
I love the people in it
I'm a chicken with it's head cut off
I'm running in circles, aimlessly through the fog
I can't see you
I can't see anyone
Where am I?
Who do I talk to you?
Who will whisper my name next?
Who's lips will touch mine?
Who's hands will caress me?

Give me an answer, I want to know.

Can I kill you both now, please?
S
T
O
P
WITH
THE
CREEPY
BULLSHIT.

GAGVOMITPUKE.

AFJSODIFHWEF21!

I just saw a video with you laughing
and talking
and being alive
and cussing
and calling people dick's
and having a good time.
I don't understand how I'm living like this
or any of us are really.
I just want a fucking hug
from BOTH of you.
I want to smell you again,
I want your scent all over me.
I want you to teach me how to draw
and I want YOU to watch me graduate and get married.

WHY THE FUCK DO THE NICE ONES GO FIRST
FUCKING WHY
TELL ME FUCKING WHY
FUCK YOU DEATH
I FUCKING HATE YOU
YOU TOOK AWAY EVERYTHING I EVER LOVED.