Lonely Seed

Feeling like you don't even deserve to see the sun, and the rain at the same time

and feeling like you're not ready to see a rainbow is a really.bad.feeling.

Feeling like you can't be yourself anymore because people aren't happy with you

will you get you contemplating jumping out of this 11^th story window.

In the midst of the pizza and the words, you reach a point of annoyance and irritation with every being that is walking the world

that is having a relatively GOOD conversation with their friends on the sidewalk avoiding getting hit by any buses. For all the ones right now that are laughing it up at a bus stop because you both woke up late for school and you're going to have a wonderful cigarette induced adventure to school, yeah FUCK YOU.

For the ones that have a wonderful home life and a clean, tidy room to come home to, PLEASE commit suicide.

For the people that are untidy, always-honest-and-nice-and-an-overall-good-person-but-nobody-notices-it…join the fucking club.

And as of me, I'm lonely, so lonely and nobody will pick me up off the ground, and nobody will heal my wounds with used bandages from the nurses office, and nobody will love me for who I am, because who I am is a monster.

[But I'm a ghost to everyone]

Honey, nobody cares.

Apathetically insane

we're all swallowing a big pill that our throats can't take.
we're all sitting down on our asses waiting for the meteor to hit
because just maybe one day we'll be able to feel pain just like we did that year.
with the snare in our ear, and the salt in our mouths, in the crevices of our teeth
plastered with tooth enamel like bad dry wall in a cheap apartment, we take no time to get water to swallow the big pill.
we're forced.
I AM FORCED.
I want to sit here and feel the pain of what he did.
but there's no possible way.
no possible way he'll ever feel my wrenching pain in my heart I get every single time I see her.
That devil, that thing you call a human.
I'm always sitting and waiting for something to happen.
But when am I going to get that it will NEVER happen to me.
Nothing positive, always negative.
Just put yourself in my shoes, and wait on that lonely, brown, bench by yourself with complete silence and remorse.
Regretful, I am.
Forgetful, I was.
Un-loved, I remain.

But touched, I forever will be.

Cosmic

twilights fulfill the sky with all things possible.
Every ooh and ahh enters through my left ear and comes out of the right one.
in a strip of pleasure that jolts through my body.
The sun, the moon, and the grass proceed to grow and come closer to greet us with a friendly handshake.
I've always wanted to meet you in the dark and pluck the strings that make up your guitar, and the flesh that makes up your face, so elegantly it all comes together in the end.
A falling star, a thousand miles away, landed in my arms tonight!
As it toppled to the ground and exploded with green light on our shoes
and we laughed so hard, happiness filled our cheeks
and tears entered our eyes.
I can hear your heartbeat, but then it stopped.
What happened?
Did the magic leave? or was it all just in the twilight?
In the sun, the moon, the grass
or just in that falling star..

It's been all the same
the speakers, and the strings and the frets
and the freckles.
But just not this time..

I think

maybe, I am a monster. Yeah, I am.
I despise who I am and so do you.
That's not fair, it's not fair at all.
I love you for everything you are, and you're so good to me.
I'm trying so hard NOT to sound like those stupid people in creative writing
that talk about love, but I mean it when I say
I LOVE YOU.

I read the blog, I read everything.
I re-read it again.
I started to cry, 'cause it was a floodgate of memories
that overwhelmed me to a point of anger, and rage
and tears and sadness and hatred and happiness
and LOVE. and I can't seem to describe it anymore than I can on here
but this is for everyone to read and everyone to laugh at.
but i'm projecting it
because I'm crazy!
I'm madly
in love with everything about you.
We've changed and we need to change some more
everyday
more and more
I fucking care about you and I love you
and
I'm going to miss you when we go separate ways.
you're with me
and that's all I've ever wanted.

So far

It's been lengthy and distorted and bad, but I'm able to see the cracks

and the grainy-high-contrasted pictures that once used to lay in my dressers filled with incense dust.

And my stuffed animals used to talk to me while we sat down and enjoyed ourselves a nice little tea party just there in front of the big 8x8 bedroom window

completed with a bed set from bed, bath and BEYOND.

And the reason to just lay back and click your heals and you'll go to your grandma's house where she baked the best cookies for you to devour all by yourself.

stomach ache on a plate.

A quilt stitched with lovely things and sparkles and that grainy picture.

But those days are over now.

I sewed the stuffed animals mouths closed and poured the tea down the drain.

Lengthy days have become lengthy months

and cookies have become stomach acid that just keeps coming up making me want to vomit.

All because, I fucking miss you..

yknow

everybody in every part of the world contacts another human and tells them where they are.
is life like one big computer, one big twitter update?
or is it just me?