It's all kind of scary to think about now. The way we used to laugh and talk and write with our hands. Like the time when we both didn't know how to unfold a newspaper. But those sort of things made us all more human. But now that things have changed and we've been here for 4 years now, everything is new. I never thought I would say this, I never thought this day would come. But, I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to set everything down and grow up. I'm not ready to start my life yet. I'm enjoying it as a carefree individual who is still 6 years old in the head. I'm not ready to look at my 2 best friends that I love and see them grow mustaches and talk deeply and have one of them live in New York. I'm not ready to let anybody go. I'm not ready to leave, guys. I'm not..fucking..ready.

I never thought I'd say this about a guy like you, but I can feel myself withering away from you and I actually like it. I really hate how you're being. I really just want you to fall off the face of the earth and go fuck yourself, to put it lightly.

Go suck a dick.

Maybe?

Come here with me, and show me what a real life is like?

Since this is all shit, can you fill me up with something good?

Because I can feel you squeezing me like a freezepop, all the way to the top, just so at the end you can suck all of my juices out of my eyeballs.

Maybe I'll just stop talking and start choking.

Choking on all of the twisted words that come out of my throat.

I'M SUCH AN ANGSTY TEENAGER. OH MY GOD.

fuck you.

I'm sitting in this chair, and my house is in complete silence. I have music blasting into my ears and I can't even hear myself breathe. All while in this moment, all I could think about is how old I'm getting and what I'm gonna be like when I'm 30 years old. What I'm gonna be like when I'm 50, what I'm gonna be like when I'm 80, what I'm gonna be like when I'm dead. It frightens me shitless to say the least and I don't know what to do with myself. I have this techno lady singing into my ear with guitar in the background and it's sort of happy thinking of how happy she is while singing this and how depressed she's making me. I hope she doesn't know that she's making me depressed. She sounds like a pretty attractive girl. All I can do to pass the time until I'm 30 is listen to depressing songs, talk to you, and drink cold coffee. Listen to the bugs creek and the birds chirp and not interact with them ever again. Flip off the sun, and eat the grass.

Humanoid

Maybe it's toxic to see all of your pictures edited instead of seeing the real thing. Maybe it's kind of like that one movie I watched where all the girl that was off her rocker the whole time ended up stabbing her lazy eye with a pair of scissors. Maybe I was meant to see that movie that he made where the people started eating each other and getting off to it.

Wait, I hate dolls.

That's why you have no friends. And nobody likes you. Nobody will ever like you because you're just scum beneath my toes, squishing and sloshing around like a slug. You don't matter to anybody and your life isn't bad, I know a million people with bad lives and you're not one of them, because I don't want to know you. You're just a stupid figment of everyone's imagination. You really don't exist to anyone except for your stupid-copy- of- every- other- person-self. You're stupid and senseless and you don't know right from wrong. Why don't you just do everyone a favor and accidentally walk off a cliff. Your life is bad anyways, you told me so.

Today, I felt like I didn't matter. For once, I wasn't so fucking selfish and I felt like I didn't matter. Like the particles that made up my body didn't even exist. Like the atoms circulating through my veins weren't even mentioned in science. Like that sentence didn't even make sense, I just wanted to say the word atoms. I felt like whenever I looked up at you that my eyes would just plop right between us and leave both of us speechless, but it would leave me speechless and blind. It would also leave both of us with a nasty, pussy smell in your room without the windows open because it's zero below outside and we only have each other to keep us warm. If it would be me and you in a room together, and all we had was to depend on each other. I would kill you.