I'm
so
torn.
Tape
me
back
together.

Well this is an odd feeling.

For once in my life, right in this moment I'm starting to feel okay with myself. I'm starting to feel like I have people in my life I can count on and not just to pass in the hallway and say "hi" to. I feel like even though my hair isn't turning out the way I want it to for tomorrow that I'm okay with that because nobody is perfect and we're all just striving to be something that we're not. We're all not meant to change. We're all meant to be comfortable in our own skin forever because that's who we were born to be. I was born to be an artist and maybe a writer and maybe a bullshitter, the world may never know, and they may never accept.

However, I fucking accept the fact that I'm finally comfortable with who I am. And I know a couple of people who should do the same.

Hell, the whole world should do the same because we all have insecurities, we just need to find a big enough eraser to make them disappear.

Your love makes me want to fucking puke.
Love has never disgusted me so much.
Get the fuck out.

I really hate the fact that there are other people in the world who are inconsiderate and nice all at the same time.
It makes it so hard for me to be mad at someone when circumstances are like that.
It's really annoying that I have nobody to connect with anymore. I don't have anyone understanding fully what is going in my brain. I thought it was you, but it wasn't. I thought it was you, too, but it wasn't either. I was sadly mistaken. I was mistaken quite a few times in my life that still haunt me.
There's only almost 3 more months to go until I have to face adulthood. I'm going to college and I'm going to be away from this place that I've been coming back to for that past 4 years. I'm always going to have a place I don't want to go back to for a prolonged amount of time. Why don't I just tell everybody that I'm not fucking Super Friend. I can't always be accepting of what goes on with you and you. I'm not the fucking mender of relationships, I can't make everything okay for everybody. It's not all going to be fucking sunshine and daisies.

SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP !

I want you to suffer.

i feel connected to you in a weird sort of way that i can't really explain right now because well it's 7:20 in the morning and i have no school but i'm thinking so much right now and i thought so much last night that it was nearly impossible for me to get to sleep. i woke up and ate cocoa krispies and pondered for about 25 minutes about how it feels like you and me are in the womb together just floating in our own waste and eating away at our food packs. it feels like we both know what to do when the other one is sad and all we have to do is just listen to each other and have a cigarette and we'll both be happy, i think.

i hate the way she thinks. she's so empty minded it's ridiculous. she doesn't know what she's doing half the time and thinks she's funny. she laughs at things that not even my little cousin would even giggle at. it's really annoying and i hope one day she sees the real things in life because right now she definitely doesn't and in my opinion she's just making a complete ugly beast out of herself and i don't like beasts. i don't mind ugly.

i have a wretched stomach ache and i don't know what to do because it's so early and i can hear yelling upstairs and it's her and him just going at it not giving a shit that i live in the basement and i can hear every word they're saying and half of the argument is about me and getting rides and how my mom still has to go to work, but i don't care, because this is my first snow day of the year and i'm gonna fucking sleep dammit because i didn't sleep last night and you're not gonna tell me what to do this early in the fucking morning.

i don't know what i'm going to say to you when we take a walk. i don't understand how it came to be like this, but i know damn well that it was for a good reason and like you said, we shouldn't try this for the 5th or so time and i do agree, we shouldn't. maybe we can just be acquaintances who maybe go on occasional walks and share cigarettes with each other and talk amongst ourselves like nothing ever happened. i don't think we should become as close as we were again because that happened last time and it ended in the same old thing. so maybe we could just be occasional pals.

i like the idea of having an occasional pal. it would make my life sort of exciting.

the most exciting thing that's going to happen today is my burps tasting like chocolate and possibly going sled riding.

I'm scared
I'm nervous
I'm torn
I'm broken
I'm out of my mind.

I miss the way things used to be.
Make everything okay again.