In a nutshell

I'm full of questions and unethical answers
I'm not capable of the simplest things
I read you every day, and can't make out the words
You're a big question mark;
A big ball of confusion
You're blurry to me, but I don't wear glasses
I don't know what's going to come out of my mouth next;
What would you do if I just dropped to the ground screaming?
Would you stand there and ask me what's wrong?
Would you ask me if I was okay?
Or would you just say, "But I have to help someone else. I have to help her feel okay."
You don't realize what you have.
I'm seconds away from calling all of these years shit.
I've called them shit already, but what are they to you?
I want you to whisper in my ear, or write me a letter
But of course, I'm just a blur in the patch of fog.
Don't comment on this, I don't need your two cents.

I really miss you. I just don't know how to tell you.

As I was walking down the street this morning, with my breath showing the air, I noticed three lone cans of smashed pears. I picked one up, the freezing aluminum touching my fingertips, only to see that there were maggots in the can. Not only did I throw the can but I looked up and nobody was there. It was a ghost town. I never thought I would say this but, I felt like this was a sign of the apocalypse. Honestly, everything and everyone was non existent for that split second. I didn't know who to tell.. I didn't know what to do, because in that moment, I felt like there was nobody or nothing I could say or anything I could do. My eyes were fixed on these three lone cans of "pears", this was just an unbearable sight and I wish I could share this image with somebody else. I was in the moment of absolutely nothing. Have you ever had a feeling where you felt like you were the only human being alive? ..I have.

Toungue tied

There's a certain kind of feeling I get, when I walk out in the bitter cold and realize that I feel like one of the characters in my book. It's a cool feeling, because I feel different, I feel out of my element, I feel unique and weird for once. I'm starting to accept that not everyone is going to offer me things because they like me, not everybody likes me and I don't like everybody. It all works out that way. I'm also starting to accept that I'm sort of different from everyone else. I don't like the same things someone my age, especially a 17 year old girl would like. I feel like an individual because I don't have to listen to you, or him. I can make my own decisions without you digging at my brain looking for the answer you want. I don't want to answer you, I'm drawing a blank. When I look at you, all I see is a white face with no physical features. No eyeballs, no mouth to talk from, no nose to breathe from and smell the paper I'm burning. I like you better this way, It's a good look for you, beautiful.

In the nick of time, you appeared behind me, and I didn't know what to say. I was shocked and confused and perplexed.. all at the same time. I didn't know whether or not to give you a hug, to kiss you or to just kick you and tell you that you were never worth it. You were never there for me when I needed you and I can't really forgive you for that. Honestly, I don't really care about your well being..I don't really care for mine either. I just care about what's happening right now.. in this moment sitting in class not reading what I'm supposed to be reading thinking about how I have coffee cakes in my book bag and how they're going to get smooshed by lunch time. Derek Lee is looking at my screen and he's watching me type this. "What? Coffee cakes?" I like how I want to hug everyone and how I don't care if people read this. I only do this for myself because I never get things out in the open. Just with you. Where are you, by the way?

I have honestly never been so happy in my life.

All thanks to you.

Have you ever had that sinking feeling in your gut? Like you sort of want to vomit but all you can really do is dry heave in hopes of some stomach bile coming up? Have you ever just had a day where all you can think of is what the stranger across from you on the bus is thinking and if they're a serial killer or not? Have you ever just had a moment when you stopped to think about when the last time you laughed was? Have you ever walked across a bridge over water and wondered how hard you would have to hit the water for you to be dead? Have you ever just dropped everything you're doing and just do something someone else wouldn't approve of on purpose? Have you ever just stopped to think who truly cares about you but you can't really find anybody who does?

Have you ever just thought that what you were writing is completely ridiculous and stupid and you should just stop while you're ahead?

-Yes to all of the above.