I have honestly never been so happy in my life.

All thanks to you.

Have you ever had that sinking feeling in your gut? Like you sort of want to vomit but all you can really do is dry heave in hopes of some stomach bile coming up? Have you ever just had a day where all you can think of is what the stranger across from you on the bus is thinking and if they're a serial killer or not? Have you ever just had a moment when you stopped to think about when the last time you laughed was? Have you ever walked across a bridge over water and wondered how hard you would have to hit the water for you to be dead? Have you ever just dropped everything you're doing and just do something someone else wouldn't approve of on purpose? Have you ever just stopped to think who truly cares about you but you can't really find anybody who does?

Have you ever just thought that what you were writing is completely ridiculous and stupid and you should just stop while you're ahead?

-Yes to all of the above.

It's all kind of scary to think about now. The way we used to laugh and talk and write with our hands. Like the time when we both didn't know how to unfold a newspaper. But those sort of things made us all more human. But now that things have changed and we've been here for 4 years now, everything is new. I never thought I would say this, I never thought this day would come. But, I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to set everything down and grow up. I'm not ready to start my life yet. I'm enjoying it as a carefree individual who is still 6 years old in the head. I'm not ready to look at my 2 best friends that I love and see them grow mustaches and talk deeply and have one of them live in New York. I'm not ready to let anybody go. I'm not ready to leave, guys. I'm not..fucking..ready.

I never thought I'd say this about a guy like you, but I can feel myself withering away from you and I actually like it. I really hate how you're being. I really just want you to fall off the face of the earth and go fuck yourself, to put it lightly.

Go suck a dick.

Maybe?

Come here with me, and show me what a real life is like?

Since this is all shit, can you fill me up with something good?

Because I can feel you squeezing me like a freezepop, all the way to the top, just so at the end you can suck all of my juices out of my eyeballs.

Maybe I'll just stop talking and start choking.

Choking on all of the twisted words that come out of my throat.

I'M SUCH AN ANGSTY TEENAGER. OH MY GOD.

fuck you.

I'm sitting in this chair, and my house is in complete silence. I have music blasting into my ears and I can't even hear myself breathe. All while in this moment, all I could think about is how old I'm getting and what I'm gonna be like when I'm 30 years old. What I'm gonna be like when I'm 50, what I'm gonna be like when I'm 80, what I'm gonna be like when I'm dead. It frightens me shitless to say the least and I don't know what to do with myself. I have this techno lady singing into my ear with guitar in the background and it's sort of happy thinking of how happy she is while singing this and how depressed she's making me. I hope she doesn't know that she's making me depressed. She sounds like a pretty attractive girl. All I can do to pass the time until I'm 30 is listen to depressing songs, talk to you, and drink cold coffee. Listen to the bugs creek and the birds chirp and not interact with them ever again. Flip off the sun, and eat the grass.