Deep Liquid

For the longest time, I thought that I could do it. I thought I could be invincible in the most stressful situations.
For once, I believed in myself. I invested time in trying to get my self-esteem level at an average percent rather than negative.
In the biggest amounts I would smile just because the leaves were rustling and just because the worms were alive, digging holes in my backyard.
In the bus I would sit down and just laugh at how everybody is coming home at the exact same time as me, but going home to do different things. But nobody would go home to cry.
Everybody would smile just like I did because their pets are alive and healthy, and the snouts are moist and cold. Their paws are black spotted with tickle me pink.
I imagined the feel of my old teddy bear on my skin and if I would still like it. I thought of how his eyeball would hang by a black tweed thread and how it would sit in front of my fort.
I felt the spikey table I would press the small of my back against for structure.
The carpet that I sat on that was an off-white color induced with pet dander and cheerios.
I just took in the smell of his hair and the smell of the puppy breath on his neck.
The feel of his worn out t-shirt, the fabric screaming to die.
I just looked at her hair and her eyes in the sunlight, and how I thought it was my grandmother that was driving me to the pond.
I just felt the koy fish slide across my rigid whirled fingerprint on my index finger. Slime covering my nails and getting under my cuticles.
I heard the toy car collapse on the floor and break into tiny pieces in front of the dust pan, I heard him cry once again.

Momentarily, I will come to think, that all of this; is no good.