I've thought about this now, 6 times today. Seriously.
I keep chaining events together that would end my life.
It's time to draw them out.
Scenerio 1: I'm getting a shower. Everything smells of fruit and peaches. Then all of a sudden I hear the horror movie music and I slip on a razor, cutting my foot half way open simultaneously falling while getting butchered - cracking my skull and/or my ribs off the side of the tub, and laying there with my eyes open wide with the hot steamy water pouring down at me, the shower head watching my death happen.
Scenerio 2: Sitting at my computer. Listening to you me at six. Happy as ever. Hearing the techno song come about the speakers, then all of a sudden, a strange voice calls from behind me. I turn my head to say "Hi" and I get an ax to the face. The ax penetrating my face as my head takes the strikes along with the drums of the song, my head splits into two. Seperates itself, even. Yet again, my face looking up at something pouring onto my face. The mysterious person's tears.
Scenerio 3: Going somewhere on the bus. Walking down the aisle, and some guy puts a black mask on and holds a knife up to my throat. Shoots the driver - the whole entire bus crashes. As I strangle he accidnetally cuts my neck and I bleed to death. Looking up with my eyes wide open, lifeless with the man's sweat pouring onto me.
THEN I REALIZED.
The hotter the shower, the more I become afraid.
Every single scenerio has something pouring on me, taking place of the warm hot steamy water.
Maybe I should stay dirty forever.
Because all I think about in there, is how one day I'll be in a cherry wood casket
with my eyes glued shut
500 eyes looking at me
500 fingernails rubbing up against the threads of my suite jacket
500 make up brands along my face to hide the real, lifeless, me.
500 people weren't even there.
Then they all follow the hurse, where my body lies in that same casket that was surrounded with carnations.
They watch my burial.
Watching me, leaving me there to one day deterorate with the ants and the maggots and the earth's 9 foot hole created just for me to rest up.
Sleep forever.
No field, no 500 fingernails, no 10 lively fingers for you.
Not for you, no, not for you...
G'bye Children.
death sucks,
ReplyDeletethough I admit, sometimes I think that 16 years on this planet is too long..
you can't stay dirty forever, bathe in the river
and don't leave razors lying around
this was really emotional and thought evoking. every time you write, the depth of what you're feeling is portrayed so well, and you've got such an amazing way of painting a beautiful glowing picture in my head. this was really sad. but completely true. i myself like to deny that i will ever die.
ReplyDeletehopefully when i do, i won't know it.
i liked your approach and your weird thought patterns
ReplyDeletei think like this too sometimes and you've inspired me to write about thoughts like that more