I just picked up my guitar

at 3:43 a.m. and I just started playing

as if I had an idea in my head the entire time.

As I proceeded to play I just laid my head

down on my guitar and started crying.

I don't know why, but finally playing again got

me incredibly emotional. I got this floodgate

of memories all at once and they all just hit me

in the face. I had an epiphany, I never just be myself

I never just fully let go and show anyone my true side.

My true side just wants to fucking sing a song. I just

want

to come up with a song.

A song that will show what I'm really fucking feeling.

I've had it locked up inside of me for years.

And the only thing that anyone has ever seen were my tears.

That's the only thing you can see, I have all these words that need to come out.

I need a song.

I have never been so sure in my life.

We were running for the bus

and I was holding my hat in place

as my jacket flew open and flapped in the

frigid wind. You turned around and said

to me that you thought I had left you

because of all the profanities that

exited my mouth, that lived in the

heat of my breath in the air

The words that found their way up

the spout and down the hatch of the

the back of your throat,

that are now residing in the mere

pit of your stomach with the

rest of the mucus and true

feelings you feel about me.

What would happen if I punched

everything you really thought of me

out of your stomach?

Would you have any guts left to puke on me?

Or would you just push me down and get on the bus?

Whatever the choice may be; I have more puke with hurtful words

gurgling and churning inside my stomach right now than you'll ever know.

You're gonna have to catch me to find out!

Don't make fun of the way I run..

"I like it when you speak to me in a high-pitched voice.

I like it when you say things like 'Let's pretend we're in a tunnel.'

I like it when you suggest we crawl.

I like it when you extinguish the lights.

I do not like it when you bite me."

-David Shrigley

you're too important to me to ever have to go through what we went through tonight.

the next time that happens, i'll never be the same again.

i love you.

Who do you think you're kidding?

Nothing is important to you, not even yourself.

prude

i'm a prude.
i treat people like shit.
i use people.
i'm not a good girlfriend.
i don't like making people feel good.
i'm stupid.
i don't listen to people when they talk.
i'm selfish.
everything is about me.
nothing is about you.
everything that comes out of my mouth starts with "i".
i don't understand simple concepts.
i feel equally like shit.
i'm crying.
you hung up on me.
over.

there..happy?

I was rolling down the highway on the bus, and this song was playing, and I forgot the name of it and where it was from, but it made me feel like we were living in the suburb world in that one music video where we weren't allowed to just be teenagers. Sometimes in real life I feel like that and it really depresses me and then I just don't know what to do, I just kind of sit there and close my eyes and wonder what it's going to be like if all I'm going to amount to is riding a bike to and from the kwikee. I don't understand what everybody wants me to do, I don't quite understand why you hate me, I've never done anything to anybody and all I'm trying to do is sit and be a teenager. Just let me do what I want to do, we don't have much longer. We don't. Cancer is becoming and everyday occurrence, and an every day thought in my mind every time I light up a cigarette.