When I saw you

my eyes blew up into a fountain of sparklers and I couldn't believe what I was seeing. When I saw you, I knew you were IT. The IT I've been talking about. The infinite feeling I want to feel and the happiness that I've been pursuing. You're IT. When I heard you, I knew you were the eye tee. It's something I can't explain, but I explained it last night in the notebook I bought. 80% of post consumer waste and 20% banana fibers, with a splash of non-recycled ink, that just makes it a little more toxic for the environment. I love it whenever you talk to me. I feel like, you're the 80% of post consumer waste and I'm the 20% of the banana fibers. Because you don't like banana's. Sorry. I didn't want you to be waste. I never want you to be waste. I'm not sure if somebody reads this, that they'll know just what I'm talking about. But nobody ever comments on these things anyways. I don't really care, because I know what I'm talking about, and you're gonna ask me if this is about you and I'm gonna say "YES YES YES YES, I love you." Just because you want me to do it, doesn't mean that I really want to. Oh, who am I kidding? I just want you to call me cute again, the way you used to back then. I'll do it again. "Okay then.." There, I did it.

fuzzy

As I was riding in the car, I looked up in the sky at the 3 second stop sign and analyzed two fuzzies intertwined together, just floatin' away. And then I thought, if I were a fuzzy and you were a fuzzy, it would be like complete serene heaven. I think maybe my death wish will be to be reincarnated into a fuzzy, and maybe secretly I'll wish the same for you. Then one day, as I'm floating around aimlessly, I'll blow all of my fuzzies in one direction and just float on over to your house, then into your room, and then onto your shoulder. I'll blow one fuzzy on your cheek to symbolize a kiss from me and then I'll stick on you 'til the day YOU die and we could be just like those intertwined fuzzies I saw at that 3 second stop sign. Man, wouldn't that would be the life.

Death is the scariest thing. I'm watching one of my friends ball their eyes out because one of their old friends got shot. Now I'm thinking about what it feels like to get shot. What thoughts run through your mind? Do you feel your brains splatter across the pavement? Or do you just feel the insides of you on the outside? Whatever the feeling is, it's scaring the hell out of me. And all I really want is for everything to be okay again, and I want to break this awkward silence with a funny joke to tell her, but I can't.

What do you call scary sausages?
-Halloweiners!

Hah, death..

come out, come out, wherever you are

behind that heaping pile of shit.
show your face.
please, come out and let me see you.
you and only you.
not him, not her, not that guy, not that old lady across the way.
let me see the true colors of you.
i've never wanted something so bad in my life.
i know it's there.
and i want to see it.

I DON'T NEED YOUR WORDS
I DON'T NEED YOU CRITICISM
I DON'T NEED YOUR CONSTANT BITCHING
I DON'T NEED YOU TELLING ME WHAT GOES ON IN MY MIND
I DON'T NEED YOUR ARROGANCE
I DON'T NEED YOU.

While we were all talking on those concrete stairs today, some crazy senile guy put his dirty sneaker on the stair and touched the bacteria infested railing and sang "PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOYYY, PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC RIIIIGHT!" And, to say the least, it made me laugh hysterically. And in that moment, that same moment, he told us that there would be a nuclear war, and only people with snorkels would survive. I stopped dead in my tracks of uncontrollable laughter and thought, "Hey, what if he's telling the truth?" After he left, I looked at the fountain and got lost in my own thoughts. The one thought that has been replaying in my head since that moment is, "That strange guy I've never met before made me laugh more in that one moment than you ever have before."

Wishful Thinking

Sometimes, when I sit down in front of this and wonder where the time has gone and what sand pile I buried my watch in
I start not to care about you. Or anyone for that matter.
Sometimes, when I sit in front of this, I wonder if you're even still there. Looking at your screen in my dilated pupils waving your pasty, wrinkly hand in my face. Just waiting for me to wave back at the same time.
Sometimes, when I sit in front of you, you don't even look like you. Or talk like you for that matter. YOU sit there and act like a totally different person in hopes of people tapping you on the shoulder and saying, "Hey kid, you're alright."
Sometimes, when I sit on the bus in the morning, I can smell all the people's morning breath and my breath all alike. And for that one moment, all the strangers that I see every day.. well.. we're all connected.
Sometimes, when I think of you sitting next to me on the bus, I start to feel lightning bugs in my stomach like I did those other few times.
Sometimes, when I sit next to you and say "I love you" you don't even look at me anymore. Me and my freckles sitting there in silence waiting for you to brighten us up into happy sunshine's.
Sometimes, when I sit even in the same vicinity as you, I want to leave. Because this floodgate of memories erupts into a violent volcano that could strip everybody of their flesh in a millisecond.
Sometimes, when I sit in front of this, I wonder where you are. And if you will ever be near me.

Yesterday, in a freak accident, some tall, shadowy man bumped into me and mugged me.
Something else happened, though. He didn't mug me for my wallet or my bag.
He mugged me for my soul.
I felt it.
He took my ghost.
As if I wasn't worried enough already what was going to happen to me after I died, at least I had a little bit of hope that my ghost would burst out of my body and stroll the earth for another lifestyle.
I don't have that option anymore.
No, now I get to sit back in my chair and ponder even MORE about what's going to happen to me after I die.
Maybe my body will generate another ghostly soul.
or Maybe I'm just wishful thinking.
or Maybe the man wasn't real, and he himself was a ghost.
Afterall, he did have un human like qualities to him.
Weird features and a shadowy figure up close.

Maybe this isn't a freak accident.
Maybe...this is all meant to happen.
If this is a dream, I'm not waking up.
This is the only thing entertaining in my life.
Pretty pathetic, huh?

A stranger made me smile today. More than once. It felt good. Felt better than anything I've ever felt for a long long time.

I'm sick of you maniacal smile you do when you know you're ruining my day. With your yellow smile, it's plaquey too. I dislike plaque and I dislike you.

My face starts to ache when I'm hungry. Along with my bones.